Whoa, hey! What's up sugar tits?! It's so good to have you back. God, I haven't seen you since you teamed up with M. Night Shyamalan and completely destroyed the mystique of crop circles for everybody (Aliens that dissolve in water, really?). So that makes it, what, like eight years? Might as well have been forever! And I haven't seen people this excited for a comeback since my man JC floated up to the heavens with a return ticket back to Earth. But dude, don't worry, you never left my radar. I totally followed your directing career. Passion of the Christ? Apocalypto? Saw 'em. And yea, loved 'em. (Nothing says epic like ancient guttural languages and lots and lots of blood!) You see, while many Americans don't like being bashed over the head with your uber-Catholic religious message, I freakin' love it. Hit me again! Again! All those critics who tried to tarnish your reputation by labeling you a holier-than-thou fanatic with an offensive agenda were probably just a bunch of fucking Jews, anyway. Right? Not only were your directorial escapades merited, they were inspiring. I mean, without someone like you to pave the way for filmmakers to saturate their work with gratuitous violence and gore, do you think Saw or, say, Hostel, would be the cult classics they are today? Uh, no. You're a pioneer, dude. And now you're back! And I don't even need to mention that little speed bump of a DUI you had because, well, we've all been there, Mel. For real, can't a guy just drink until he's in a cloud of whiskey vapor that has seeped from his pores, drive recklessly, and then insult his arresting officer with anti-Semitic and sexist expletives? COME ON! It's 2010! Everybody else is doing it!
So, I got to say, I am so super-pumped about your new thriller, Edge of Darkness. This is a totally new role for you; average joe family man has to protect those he cares about. This could be a breakout for you!
But let me be honest; can I be honest, Mel? I'm looking to the future. We all know that great comebacks don't really begin until the second act. So, man, what's next? A tragi-com about being a Jew? Braveheart 2? Back to back crime thrillers? Gawd, please say Braveheart 2! (crosses fingers)
Well, buddy, no matter what you do, just know I'm on board. No questions asked. I will beat down every Jew in Hollywood if it gets you on screen again. Because if I have to endure another hiatus like this last one, I'll probably grow up, and find myself way too old to have any kind of respect for you. So, let's strike while the iron's hot. Let's get out there and kick some ass! (In the name of the Lord, of course)
Oh, duh! Lethal Weapon 5! Man, I should've thought of that earlier!
KM Montgomery
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